Težave odljubljanja / Difficulties of falling out of love

MA VIE ESTIVALE, PRESQUE NUE : Zajtrk ob enajstih, kosilo ob petih, večerja ob treh; skoraj nič me ni doma, premalo spim in pokonci me nekaj ur drži obvezni popoldanski Twinings (vanilijin z mlekom), potem pa se name spet zgrnejo vse radosti nizkega pritiska in meteoropatije, ki zadnje čase operirajo v idealnih pogojih. Po mestu čisto prepogosto videvam lep, srebrn avto z neljubljansko registracijo, zaradi katerega se počutim tako kot Leone ob pogledu na ekvipažo baronice Castelli na zagrebških ulicah; učim se geografijo Slovenije, bašem se s čokolado (kot včasih) in se sprašujem, zakaj na Facebooku ne moreš postati fan brezmadežnega spočetja. Včeraj zvečer smo Pri Zelenem zajcu s prijatelji iz čiste zafrkancije organizirali interno skupinsko branje Salome ob absintu (in kokakoli); nekje na polovici se je sprevrglo v divjo, mestoma profano improvizacijo, ki se je ne bi sramoval niti sam Wilde. Neka gospodična nas je prekinila s poizvedbo, ali smo tam zaradi Twitter partyja; morala sem pripomniti, da "taki geeki pa res nismo", ker smo vsak s svojo knjigo v naročju predstavljali utelešenje tega izraza in je bila priložnost predobra, da bi jo izpustila. Ljubljana je najzanimivejša prav poleti, ko je najbolj prazna. Paradoks? Do tistih, ki zbrišejo s prvim vročinskim valom in se ne vrnejo do septembra, ko (se) spet začnejo igrati "velike Ljubljančane", nikoli nisem gojila posebnega spoštovanja.

TEŽAVE ODLJUBLJANJA

1. Spet se moram postaviti na noge in si ponovno zgraditi življenje
2. Samo ugibam lahko, koliko čustvene škode sem si povzročila s to eskapado
3. Nahajam se v bolj fragilnem stanju, kot sem si sposobna priznati

i've had so many lives
since i was a child
and i realize
how many times i've died

ИСТИНА : "Na počitnice" bom letos šla težje kot kadarkoli prej, saj je v Ljubljani ves moj komfort (knjige-torbice-zvezki-čevlji-obleke, da nematerialnega niti ne omenjam), ki ga trenutno nujno potrebujem. Ne javljajo se niti moji standardni vzgibi po vsakomesečnih pobegih, kar bi bil v drugačnih okoliščinah sicer razlog za slavje. Je ne sais rien. Čudno, kako te neke stvari pustijo sesutega, izžetega in povsem brez energije, da v hladu s spuščenimi žaluzijami ure in ure posedaš na kavču, strmiš v prazno in se sprašuješ, kako si lahko dopustil, da se je vse skupaj zgodilo, čeprav nad takimi stvarmi v resnici ne moreš imeti nadzora. Tolažim se s tem, da je najhujše že mimo.

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MA VIE ESTIVALE, PRESQUE NUE : Breakfast at eleven, lunch at five, dinner at three; I'm almost never home, I sleep too little and the effect of my obligatory afternoon cup of Twinings (vanilla with milk) is almost immediately overridden by delights of low blood pressure and metereopathy which have recently been operating under ideal conditions. There's a pretty silver car with non-Ljubljana license plates that I see around the city way too often; it makes me feel like Leone at the sight of baroness Castelli's equipage on the streets of Zagreb. I am studying geography of Slovenia, stuffing myself with chocolate (like in the old times) and wondering why it's impossible to become a fan of immaculate conception on Facebook. Yesterday evening my friends and I organized a reading of Salome at Pri Zelenem zajcu purely out of fun; it managed to turn into a wild, partly profane improvisation even Wilde himself would be proud of. A young lady interrupted us with the inquiry whether we were there for "the Twitter party". I observed that "we're not such geeks, really" because each with their own book in the hands we were without a doubt the embodiment of that word so the opportunity was too good to miss. Ljubljana is most interesting in the summer when it's emptiest. A paradox? I've never maintained much respect for those who disappear with the first heat wave and resume feigning their status as "the true people of Ljubljana" in September.

DIFFICULTIES OF FALLING OUT OF LOVE

1. I have to build my life from scratch again.
2. I can only guess how much emotional damage I've done to myself with this escapade.
3. I have found myself in a state that's a lot more fragile than I can admit.

LA VÉRITÉ : This year my holiday departure will be harder than ever because all my comfort (books-bags-notebooks-shoes-dresses, not to mention the nonmaterial) my life depends on dearly these days is in Ljubljana. I don't even feel my standard old urge to get away for a short while, a fact that would merit much celebration under different circumstances. Je ne sais rien. It's strange how some things leave you fallen apart, without energy and so exhausted that all you're capable of doing is sit in cold, dark rooms, staring blankly into space and asking yourself why on Earth you let it happen even though such things are uncontrollable. The only consolation I have is that the worst is already over.


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